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I woke up this morning, and the air tastes different

In less than a months time, I am moving in to a new house with my boyfriend, Gregory. The two of us have been together for over a year now, and it’s a really good thing.

Also; I have an okay job, that gives me okay hours. I have a small, but good group of friends. I’m considering on actually applying for university for next year.

So yeah, everything is pretty good right now.

I’ve even started writing and reading more/again.

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You brought me a great big flood, and you gave me a lift.

So it’s been 10 whole months since I last updated my blog.

Not a lot has changed though.

I still live in Brisbane, and I’m still not at uni, but I AM working at yet another shifty job that involves me handling food. I have an actual boyfriend now, someone who actually likes me (I’m over all that pining/unreciprocated love bullshit).

I have less things to complain about, but that doesn’t that I’m going to stop complaining.

I wouldn’t be me otherwise.

Framing rights into wrongs. Move along, move along.

Like always, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. This time about a few in things in particular (which all kind of form this one big superthought). Anyways, I’ll start with the thing that I’ve probably been thinking the most about, which is the future  and what exactly I want to do with my life. Basically, for the passed few years I’ve been stalling on making any solid plans regarding my future. For example; I never got my license, I didn’t go for my OP, I never got a job until last year, I never applied for university or TAFE, etc. I’ve come to the decision that I’m going to finally make a plan for my life. Nothing too serious, just same basic guidelines of how I want to get where I want to in life and how long I want it to take. I don’t know, I sound stupid. Ignore me.

To Be Continued.

—————————————————————————————

You Are a Tourist by Death Cab for Cutie

The Suburbs by Arcade Fire

My Girls by Animal Collective

Rolling In the Deep (Jamie XX Remix) by Adele (Featuring Childish Gambino)

We’ll Find Out by Timber Timbre

Don’t Be Afraid, You’re Already Dead by Akron/Family

Heart of  Chambers by Beach House

Anyone’s Ghost by The National

Chicago (Acoustic) by Sufjan Stevens

The Captain and the Hourglass by Laura Marling

No One Would Riot for Less (Dubstep Remix) by Bright Eyes

Ever Fallen In Love by Nouvelle Vague

Write About Love by Belle & Sebastian

Bambi by Tokyo Police Club

Runaway by Kanye West (Featuring Pusha T)

We’ll find out.

The main point of this post is to prove to Sheridan that I haven’t deleted it, which I obviously haven’t. This post being in existence is evidence of that. So yeah, I’ve been living in Brisbane for about two months now. As I said in my last post, which was written about two months ago, I enjoy it here.

Like always, there’s been some personal dramas that I’ve gone through. Nothing serious, just me being an idiot this time. I would vaguely describe the situation and lace it with humour like I usually do, but I’m far too lazy right now. So, instead of going into full detail, I’ll leave you a quick overview of my lasy couple of months.

End of March – A lot of chilling out. I had no money so couldn’t really do anything. At all.

Beginning of April – I got a job at McDonalds. We moved into our new house.

Mid April – Sleeping pattern fucked up because of McDonalds job. Started seeing more of my old Gladstone friends, not just Emily and Marli.

End of April – Made plans to hang out with Chloe, never did. Started getting a rash from the new gloves at work.

Early May – Sheridan came to visit for Emily’s birthday, which was super fun. That thing happened.

Mid May – Hand rash went away, then came back. Moped around a lot, because of that thing. Started hanging out with Emly more.

Late May – Went back to Gladstone for my Mum’s birthday. Saw some old friends. Decided to move on from that thing that happened. The rash went away, again.

Now – The rash came back. Looking for a new job.

I don’t know why I thought that moving to Brisbane would all of a sudden fix my problems. Actually, I don’t think I ever really thought that, I just really hoped that it would. I knew that moving here wouldn’t stop me from feeling lonely, and that it wouldn’t make the thought that my life is meaningless  magically go away, but I atleast thought that moving here would make me happier. But I’m not, I’m just as sad and lonely as ever. Which doesn’t necessarily mean that I’m feeling any worse, I’m just not better… yet.

See, I still have hope.

My impatience just gets the better of me alot of the time, and I want everything to happen immediately. Like, I want move into my new house now, I want a new job now, I want this whole mess with centrelink to be fixed now, and, most importantly, I want to be happy now. The thing I’ve got to learn though is that not everything happens in an instant, and that things take time and work, but I’m working on that.

Today I am going with my Step-Mother to hand in my resume to a bunch of places, and then I’m going to centrelink to sort that out first hand, and not with a robot over the telphone. On Tuesday we start moving house, and we should hopefully be in the new house for real by Saturday. So yeah, everything is happening in time

Another thing I expected was to all of a sudden be free to do whatever I want, whenever I want, as soon as I got here. But you can’t exactly do anything when you don’t have alot of money – or ANY money for that instance. My friends, or one friend inparticular, doesn’t seem to understand that I can’t just jump on a train whenever and come over to theirs, because, contrary to popular belief, public transport is expensive. But that’s not their fault though, they’ve never really had to deal with money issues or things like that (and I don’t mean to sound rude by saying that).

I don’t know if I’m going to be seeing a lot of my old friends though, because whenever I see a certain somebody, all these old feelings come back up to the surface and, although it makes me feel good when I’m with them, afterwards I just feel like shit.

If I was crying, in the van with my friend. It was for freedom, from myself and from the land.

Didn’t want to be anyone’s ghost.

I have about 48 hours left in Gladstone, give or take an hour or two. Surprised? Yeah, so am I. As I said in a previous post (which I deleted because it was lame and pointless), I was planning on leaving in April, but things have changed. I’m actually kind of glad that I’m leaving earlier.

One of the main reasons why I was so quick to jump at the chance to leave town so suddenly, is because, well, things haven’t been going that great for me, or anybody I know for the last couple of months. Basically, a lot of shit has gone down for me personally, for my friends, and for my family, and it’s getting a little too much for me. I don’t want it to sound like I’m running away from my problems, I just honestly think that the best thing for me right now is if I leave. I need to be living in a place where there is more opportunity for me to do what I want on a professional level, and be me without having to hold back. It’ll be refreshing being in a place where basically nobody knows who I am, not that I’m even hiding anything. Everybody knows everything about me anyways even if I haven’t told them personally, which is perfectly fine with me.

Friday night, was the night I was supposed to say goodbye to alot of my old friends – which I did, but the whole night was really uncomfortable and tense for everybody involved. Which sucks, because it was the last time I was going to see a majority of those people for  a long time. Oh well.

In spite of the badness, the last couple of days have consisted of me reflecting on the last five or so years in this town, all the things that I’ve done, all the friends that I’ve made, etc, etc. Also, because I have been feeling so nostalgic, I decided to watch The Ends Not Near, It’s Here (the final episode of The OC) and I was almost in tears. I don’t know, that episode is very relevant to my life right now and it made me realize how much I’m going to miss everything. Doesn’t mean I regret my decision to leave though. Nope, not one bit.

So yeah, I’m leaving. I guess this is goodbye, plus this will probably be my last post before I leave/for a while, so I guess I’ll catch you cats on the flip side!

Fin.

Yes, we’ll go dancing. Until it all starts over again.

To add to all of the emotions I was going through the other week, on Sunday night I got into a fight with a certain relative of mine which ended in me getting three stitches in my head. Needless to say I felt like shit afterwards, and I felt like I had nowhere to go, but with the help of my amazing friends I am now temporarily staying with Marli’s parents. I like it here, and her family are just the best. I can’t thank them enough for helping me out.

Anyways, eight days after the incident I got the stitches out which means that I can once again was my hair, and break dance without fearing that I’ll split my wound open. Both great things tut I enjoy immensely.

Oh! Guess what! I am finally moving to Brisbane! Yeah I should be gone by April! Which is insanely cool! But I’ll talk about that in more detail in a later post, you see I’m using an iPod touch and it’s rather annoying.

Fin.

I was walking with a ghost

February 25, 2011

and I said please, please don’t insist.

First of all, I would just like to say a happy birthday to my wordpress which I started this time last year. It’s funny, my first post is basically about how I was unemployed and single, one year later I’m still blogging about the same thing.

Anyways, I’ve been quite emotional over the passed week and I don’t know why. It all started at the start of the week when I was catching up on The Vampire Diaries when all of a sudden Rose was bitten by a werewolf, and she spent the whole of the next episode in pain until she eventually died. Her death was so sad that I cried for about 5 minutes. Five whole fucking minutes. A television show character’s death has only made me cry twice before, the first time when Fred Burkle died on Angel, and when Rose sort-of-died-but-didn’t on Doctor Who.

Then on Tuesday night, I was sitting at home and everyone was asleep, so I decided to make myself a cup of tea, some soup and sit down and watch a movie. The movie I decided to watch was Boy A (starring my lover favorite actor Andrew Garfield), which is one of the best/saddest/disturbing films I have ever seen in my entire life. I was moved throughout the whole film, but it was the ending that made me cry like a baby, just like TVD.

I couldn’t get to sleep after watching the movie, so I decided not to sleep and to stay awake all night instead – bad decision. I stayed all night on the internet where I read up on the whole situation in Libya, which made me so angry that I had to blog about it/post an upset status on Facebook from the safety of my own home. Whatever, whatever, I do what I want. Anyways, I really don’t want to get into the details of the whole thing, but some of the information about what’s happening over was/still is so upsetting that it made me really upset and it’s all I could think of for the next day.

That morning, after staying up all night being outrages, I realized that the family were leaving to go to NSW to see Raymond, so I decided to write him a letter detailing my life for the passed couple of months, and basically apologizing for being a bad friend for not contacting him since he left back at Christmas. Writing the letter made me tear up, because it made me realize how much I miss my best friend, and after I they left I just laid in my room by myself thinking about how I miss every single one of my friends who have moved away. But then I remembered I have the whole house to myself for a week, so I blasted some Lovestoned by Justin Timberlake and danced my pain away.

That night, I called both Marli and Emily whom I haven’t spoken to in weeks, and I told them all about how emotional I had been over the passed couple of days. Talking to them made me happy. Plus, Emily was super drunk and that’s always a good thing.

In conclusion, I blame all of my weird emotions lately on the drugs I took Saturday night. They’ve turned me into some kind of idiot, an even bigger one than I used to be! Moral of the story, don’t do drugs or watch emotional movies. Stick to eating sugary cereals and watching shows like 90210.

Fin.

 

    So I lie to you and say that I don’t remember.

    So you know how I’ve been freaking out that the people I live with hate me and that they want me to move out, well I kind of overreacted. What’s happening is, they don’t own the house they live in and the owner is selling it, so they’ve been stressed about finding a new place to live and how to tell me that, basically, I need to find somewhere else to live. I’m so glad I was just being paranoid, and they don’t actually hate me, because that would’ve really sucked.

    Everything will be alright, though. Like I mentioned previously, I’m just going to move back into Mum’s place. It’s not my ideal place to live, but it’s the cheapest. I was hanging out with Mitchell and Jamane on Saturday night, which I finally got around to doing – that makes it sound like some kind of chore, which it’s not. I just hadn’t seen them in a while, because I’m a terrible friend, and I had been meaning to, and I finally did. Anyways, Mitchell suggested that I get a good paying job and move in, which, believe me, I would love to do, I just really need to save up a lot of money if I’m serious about moving away next year. He also suggested I join their band, but that’s a different story.

    Speaking of being a terrible friend, I haven’t spoken to Raymond in over a month. He’s marching out at the end of the week in New South Wales and his family are going down to watch, but I’m not. I was thinking about maybe writing him a letter, and giving it to his parents to take down to him, but I probably won’t. I’m just a lazy/selfish person. I haven’t even bothered to contact Marli or Emily since they’ve been gone.

    So yeah, today (like most days) will most likely be spent alone learning lines and looking for a job watching Hellcats, The Vampire Diaries, 90210, and any other teen drama that I have become addicted to, or wallowing in my own self pity. Whatever, whatever! I do what I want.

    Fin.

    A solid soul and the blood I bleed.

    So lately I’ve been pretty down on myself for not having someone.

    Last night, I was in a terrible mood (I thought my laptop was dead and gone, and I was just in a generally bad mood) so I decided to watch my favourite movies so I would be in a good if not better mood. I watched Garden State, The Squid & the Whale, and Paper Heart. Three movies that have storylines which revolve around loneliness, depression, and characters who don’t believe in love. Now I didn’t pick these kind of movies on purpose, they’re just my favourites, and I didn’t even realize how depressing my choice in films are until last night.

    After watching the movies though, I had an epiphany. I’ve got to stop living in my head. I also realized another thing, I’m not ready to be with someone or what have you. I mean look at me, look at my life. I am an unemployed slacker, who lacks motivation when it comes to basically everything, besides slacking off. I overanalyze everything, I don’t trust people, I lie all the time and about the stupidest things, and most of the time I don’t even like myself.

    And lately, with all this confusion and emotions running through my mind, I’ve been acting very out of character. I don’t know if I’m changing as a person, becoming a bit more rude and careless, or if I’m just going through a phase, but whatever it is, I don’t like it. I don’t want to be like that. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t/don’t want to be with someone until I am happy with myself, and am on the right path.

    I guess for the time being, whilst I am working on being comfortable with myself, I will live vicariously through celebrities and characters on television. Anyways, I’m staying at my Mother’s again tonight as it’s my Brother’s birthday tomorrow (meh!). I’m taking a bunch of movies to watch, and I’ve downloaded a bunch of interviews with Jesse Eisenberg, Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, and Carey Mulligan, plus there will be ice cream. So it should be an alright night.

    I’m going to slowly start taking my belongings back over there.

    Fin.

    My Girls – Animal Collective

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